Ishinoy

Amazing how much growing up you can do without internet for five days.  Or maybe the growing up happened because I was without the internet?  Surpassing the chicken-or-the-egg-nature of the past week, I find myself in a very different place compared to last Thursdsay.

I mentioned recently that my trip home allowed for some incredibly insightful conversations with my mom, which led to the hardest decision making process I’ve tackled in a long time: I’m ready to go back to school.  And I know what for.  It sounds rather simple when it’s summed up in two very short sentences, but it wasn’t an easy conclusion to make.  Next month, I’m signed up to take the GRE and I’m currently working on a personal statement that’s actually personal this time around.  Although I made up my mind about going back to school last weekend, it was fortunate that I was forced to sit tight and really think about it without doing anything about it (otherwise I would have jumped onto the computer and launched into applications immediately).  I’m much calmer when I visit the application websites of my various school options, instead of being incredibly jumpy and anxious at the mere thought of the application process, which would have been the case had I launched into this ordeal head-first.

So I have my work cut out for me for the next few weeks.  I must admit that, in the last few days, without the immediate presence of my mom to help me out, thoughts of doubt have crept in and I’ve begun to feel the beginnings of that irrational anxiety that has been known to plague me.  Then yesterday, watching Obama’s “closing argument speech” in Ohio, he said something that inspired me:

…That’s what hope is – that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better is waiting around the bend – that insists there are better days ahead if we’re willing to work for it; if we’re willing to shed our fears and our doubts; if we’re willing to reach deep down inside ourselves when we’re tired, when we’re worn out and we come back fighting harder.

Granted, he was talking about hope as it pertains to the political process and the American Dream in the context of American Politics, but I felt, selfishly, that Barack was cheering me on in my personal struggle.  Ultimately, however, if each of us is inspired to become better versions of ourselves, then we create a better community overall, so regardless of the relative specificity of Obama’s message yesterday, it can be applied much more broadly.

I watched Forrest Gump the other day after not seeing it since before I went to Cal.  When it first came out, I watched it over and over again, being a big fan of Tom Hanks and loving the story.  A lot has happened in my life since junior high and high school which makes me see Forrest Gump with completely different set of eyes:

• The Iraq War
• Converting from PC to Mac with unbelievable enthusiasm and commitment;
• Attending and graduating from UC Berkeley;
• Working with the people who make Alpha Resource Center possible;
• Forming a closer relationship with my mom;
• Finding the person with whom I’ll probably spend the rest of my life
• Hurricane Katrina
• Driving across the country
• The Beijing Olympics

Needless to say, I continue to be amazed by the depth and scope of the Forrest Gump story and continue to admire the expanse of Winston Groom’s imagination in putting it all together.  I am saddened by so much evidence that our society is too prone to repeat history, or at least flirt with close variations of it.  I am not ready to face the fact that my mom will not always be around.  I am stunned that I now find myself suddenly leading my own life, calling my own shots from now on.  I really can do whatever I want with my life now.  I’ve always been told that I could do whatever I wanted, but never actually felt it to be true – in my bones.  In the past few days, I have been presented with several opportunities I never thought would fit in my life, but who’s to say they don’t fit now?