Leave Out All The Rest
I took Thursday off from real life. I spent the day window shopping, reading and indulging in long-forgotten high school-era vampire-inspired fantasies about pale, beautiful guys with alarming physical strength, superhuman agility, uncanny wit, and complex psychological issues. There’s something about the unattainable ideal that always draws me in…
This morning I treated myself to a 10 AM viewing of Twilight in a relatively empty theater, void of hormonal adolescents. I was able to enjoy fully the guilty pleasure of having read a terribly crafted work of fiction, seeing it come to life on the screen, and soaking up the vision provided courtesy of a Hollywood hair and makeup crew (oh, how ivory foundation accentuates a set of “smoldering eyes” enhanced by color contacts…what a dream). It looked like today would be Day 2 of absolute indulgence outside of my real life, in which grad school applications, a crushed economy, and everyday responsibilities like laundry and cleaning lurk menacingly everywhere I turn.
But we can’t all have our own beautiful vampire to hide away with – this is the real world. One of the songs included in the Twilight soundtrack is Linkin Park’s “Leave Out All The Rest”; the lyrics ask us to examine our lives in a way that reminds me of Linda Ellis’ poem The Dash. It got me thinking about my real life again. But before I force myself to emerge from a very lovely day-long dream about Edward Cullen, I wanted to examine what about vampire lore evokes such fanaticism? This is the best I’ve managed to figure out:
Vampires are usually portrayed as beings who exemplify outrageously desirable physical traits. They’re shrouded in mystery. We imagine that, should a vampire fall in love with us, we would receive the kind of devotion and worship we’d love to experience. Basically, vampires bring out all the cliche fantasies that we put together when we imagine the ideal life partner: someone we find attractive, someone who has a personality with depth, and someone who is truly infatuated with you.
So what about the blood drinking? It’s a fantastic solution to an age-old problem. We love stories about lovers who would die for one another: Romeo and Juliet and its many versions, for example. But what these stories always neglect is the fact that, should you die for the one you love, you can’t enjoy their love because you’re dead, or vice versa. The vampire version takes care of this conundrum: you can, in fact, die for the one you love and, furthermore, continue to exist with him/her until the end of time. Best of both worlds. Have your cake and eat it, too. The vampire story says that not all good things must come to an end. The vampire story illustrates that you’re allowed to fall madly in love with one another and last together until…well, who knows.
So, back to real life. Doug is not a vampire. Doug is not Edward Cullen. But he is someone I am in love with and he’s in love with me, too. Really can’t ask for any more than that. Chester Bennington of Linkin Park sings:
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Doug has been my main source of strength during my transition from school to life, from pre-med to public policy. I know I’m on the right track. I know I’m on the verge of starting what I’m meant to do in this life. Whether I end up raising my own family or becoming a successful advocate for a great cause – or both – I’m making the most of my Dash. Minus any actual vampires, this is where my dreams become reality.
All or Nothing
I took the GRE today and did exactly how I wanted to do. What a great feeling. Now all that’s left is the personal statement and some polishing work on my resume.
I’m also finishing Twilight, which I never thought I’d read. As an English major who spent most her time enamored with Milton and Chaucer, I find it hard to indulge in what could be described as “junk lit.” In addition, I’m embarrassed to admit that I was fascinated with vampire lore in high school and even wrote my own vampire fiction. As a 16 year old girl, how could I not be attracted to the idea of outrageously beautiful, immortal beings who make it a point to learn from their past mistakes? (Yes, my story involved my “ideal” vampire…tall, dark, handsome, smart, witty, charming, with a hint of an attitutde problem…) Just when you think you put something behind you…it comes back and bites you when you least expect it. I think I’ll be done with all the currently published books in the series by the end of the week. Terrible.
These Are Days
This year is the first year I won’t be celebrating my birthday with my mom. Ever since I realized it wouldn’t be economical or otherwise reasonable to fly home for Thanksgiving this year, it’s been tough grappling with the fact that, after two dozen years, I will be breaking the family tradition of combining Thanksgiving and birthday festivities for my mom and myself (Nov. 27 and 28, respectively). As a lover of tradition for the sake of sentimental reasons, it was a hard call to make to tell Mom I wouldn’t be “coming home” this year. Fortunately, she agreed with my reasoning and noted how frivolous birthday celebrations seem to her nowadays anyway…
My new friends in Chicago did the best thing for me this year. They introduced me to dancing and fun with alcohol and, most importantly, alcohol without all the side effects of overusing…consequently, I’ve been able to enjoy, time and time again, good company without hassle. This wasn’t true before – I couldn’t be assured that I would be able to have a good time without babysitting or worrying about others’ strange or unpredictable behavior. I was never able to enjoy myself. And I was more self-conscious overall – not anymore, post-Roscoe’s and Excalibur! It feels so great to say “I had a great time” and mean every word of it.
Moving to Chicago has boosted my self-confidence. Obviously, this is something new I’m realizing. I don’t know if it’s because I’m physically removed from the places where I’ve fought past personal battles rather unsuccessfully, or if it’s simply because a new place encourages the birth of a new person. Either way, I have been actively re-inventing myself and feeling wonderful about it. I am also making a conscious effort to open up to more and different people, and the feedback has been more than awesome.
Now that I’ve been working through my homesickness, I’m finding it easier to embrace my new life in Chicago. And a great life it’s turning out to be…I want to express a heart-felt thank you to all who have welcomed me to this city and this new stage of life.
These are days
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It’s true
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you…~Natalie Merchant of 10,000 Maniacs
What Gives?
I consider my subscription to The New Yorker a good investment. For an annual fee, I get a weekly dose of intelligent reporting, the latest updates on what’s going on in the City in case I happen to be there, and some fantastic artsy literary material – fiction, comics, reviews…
The United States Post Office, on whom I depend to enjoy my New Yorker subscription at approximately 50% off the cover price, has not been cooperating with the arrangement established between The New Yorker and myself. I pay The New Yorker, The New Yorker sends me an issue every week, and the USPS delivers that issue to my mailbox. What’s that? The USPS is not delivering the issues to my inbox?
So far, three issues have been MIA: the two weeks prior to the election and the issue of the week of the election. Naturally, out of all the issues I treasure this subscription year, the election week issue is by far the most prized – if I had it in my possession. I have been buying the past several issues off the newstand, which infuriates me because I bought a subscription to benefit from the convenience of receiving my issues in the mail at half price.
The customer service at The New Yorker have been courteous and diligent, but there’s only so much they can do if our middleman is underperforming. In fact, a customer service representative actually confirmed that one of my issues had been returned to their mailing house by the USPS because apparently it was undeliverable as addressed. How could that particular issue be undeliverable if all the other issues were addressed exactly the same way, and all of those issues were clearly deliverable? I don’t even want to know what kind of incompetence is responsible for my not receiving the other missing issues. Someone along the line is deciding that my issues of The New Yorker are not fit to be delivered. My name is on my mailbox. I have confirmed my mailing address with The New Yorker multiple times. The labels on the issues I have received have been legible and accurate.
What gives?
Japan is privatizing (or has already privatized?) their postal service. I’m strongly in favor of privatizing our postal service as well – for one thing, I believe all my issues of The New Yorker would actually show up in my mailbox every week and, when it doesn’t, I can hold someone accountable.
All I Wanna Do
Yesterday I got a taste of my future and I loved it. I spent the day at the University of Chicago to catch a glimpse of life as a graduate student at their school of public policy. If I wasn’t motivated to make my application as great as possible before, I sure as hell am now…
The driving wasn’t so bad. Yes, there were definintely crazy drivers that made me nervous, but that was expected.
I can’t wait to make this happen.
Until now, I’ve never been so close to something I’ve wanted to so much – I can literally taste it: the lunch they provided was pretty tasty.
Some quotations that sum up my frame of mind in five words or less:
Mariah Carey – “Make it happen”
Bela Karolyi – “You can do it”
Barack Obama – “Yes we can”
Nike – “Just do it”
McDonald’s – “I’m lovin’ it”
Burger King – “Have it your way”
Julius Caesar – “Veni, Vidi, Vici”
A Sorta Fairytale
A few things that crept into my thoughts over the course of today:
Someone in unit P-2 on the ground floor plays the violin really well. I passed their door twice while doing laundry today and heard something reminiscent of the solo that plays in the background of An American Tale – the song that allows Fivel to recognize his family in the end. I wish everyone had a song to come home to. I don’t have one yet, but there are a few that feel welcoming.
34 degrees feels extraordinarily cold around the ears.
And the ongoing thought of the day:
Many of my classmates from high school and college are now engaged or married, and some are expecting their first children. I am struggling with this idea of transition – but for reasons I have difficulty pinpointing. At first, I thought it was because maybe I didn’t want to be grown up yet. But having moved practically across the country and beginning my own life is a grown up thing to do. Then I thought it was because maybe I was feeling left out. But getting married isn’t something you do for popularity’s sake. My acquaintances tend to fall in polar categories: the family-building sort and the type who value their independence almost to a fault.
I don’t know where I fit in; my relationship is, without a doubt, a major factor in my life, but I’m reluctant to assign a legal status or other sort of official recognition. I’m not ready for children. I do know that I’m with the one person who’s right for me. Everything about this feels complicated, even though I’m hard pressed to name exactly what it is that makes this feeling so. Am I pooh-poohing the idea of marriage simply because “everyone else is doing it”? Am I reluctant to assign such an importance to the idea of marriage because the political environment is currently embroiled in the civil rights issue of our generation? I don’t know how to respond to news of someone’s engagement. An admittedly ridiculous part of me thinks, “So you’re going to get married now…when you’re well aware that others who love each other just as much aren’t allowed to.” Obviously, this reaction is preposterous and I acknowledge it. I’m just so frustrated with the recent legal efforts to prevent gay marriage. I know I can’t ask everyone to postpone their wedding plans until it’s recognized that everyone has the equal right to make wedding plans. My biggest question to anyone getting married is- whether it’s your first marriage or not, whether you’re under 30, over 65, or in between: Why now?
To those who get married: What’s so important about marriage? Except for the one example I can think of right now (immigration status), how does marriage impact the fundamental nature of your relationship?
To those who want to get married but are prohibited from doing so: I am outraged that a nation that prides itself on its foundation of promoting life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is preventing you from doing just that. Presuming that marriage does indeed affect personal changes in a relationship in a way nothing else will, how are you expected to fill that void otherwise?
My mixed view of marriage is highly impersonal, and maybe that’s why I don’t know how to incorporate the idea of marriage in my own life. I don’t know what I think about the whole wedding ceremony ordeal. It’s so much time, money, and effort. Is it worth it? I don’t know what I think about living a “married life.” How is it different from the life I’m living now? Doug and I share an apartment, we share our meals, we share our joys, gripes, and moments of impatience with each other. In short, we share our lives. Having a certificate and a rabbi acknowledge our mutual existence would not change how we live our everyday lives. But then again, I’ve taken for granted that, if we wanted that recognition, we could get it. Obviously, I have become much more appreciative of this fact in recent years. I just don’t understand what “marriage” is supposed to do for a relationship – I believe my relationship is pretty great already and I don’t see how getting married could make it better. If, by getting married, the nature of my relationship would change, what kind of change would that be, and would I want it? Or if, after getting married, my relationship remained the same fundamentally, what would be the point of matrimony?
Am I missing something about the nature of marriage? If so, someone please explain it to me – I really want to understand. Is there a post-matrimony movement? Would I be part of such a movement?
Hot N Cold
Waiting for the radiators to do their thing again…today’s high barely reached 35 degrees, and, now that it’s dark, the temperature’s dropping some more:
Underneath It All
I have been skincare-crazy ever since my mom let me indulge in an entire skin care regiment at a high-end department store for my 20th birthday. After a few years of cleansing and protecting my skin on a regular basis, I now swear by three key elements: a cleanser, sunscreen, and a moisturizer. We only get one body – we should do all we can to take care of as soon as we realize we’re in charge of how it changes throughout our lifetime: caring for it internally by eating right and exercising regularly, and caring for it externally by protecting our skin. Then I came across this the other day and it got me really thinking:
Protection is key. We watch for good posture, stretch, and exercise to keep our muscles and other key parts in shape, taking extra care to watch for our heart and joints. As long as it’s daytime, regardless of what the weather is like outside, we need to be wearing sunscreen that protects against UVA and UVB rays – and not just on our faces, but all over. This guards against excessive damage and, more importantly, serves as our main defense against skin cancer. And as long as you have skin, a moisturizer is important – your skin is waterproof, which means water doesn’t leave your body willy-nilly. This also means that water in the atmosphere doesn’t enter your body willy-nilly, either. Our bodies are losing moisture constantly – drinking water helps the skin you can’t see. But the skin you can see is what’s on the front lines of battle with the environment every day and it needs the most help – a moisturizer does that for you.
Although we don’t have any major longitudinal studies to demonstrate how effective these preventative measures are yet, we can act as our own studies. Ladies (and gentlemen, I’m addressing you as well), we are the first generation to both appreciate a good tan and benefit from the knowledge of how important skin protection is. My mom loved slathering on the cocoa butter and soaking up the rays in the ’70s. Now she says she’d trade her glorious 20- and 30-something tan for healthier skin any day. She’s not just talking about the signs of aging – aging is natural – but there’s the fear that there may be damage below the surface that we have no way of fighting: the beginnings of skin cancer. In today’s world, we can have our beloved bronze and not have to sacrifice or risk our health to get it. The teens and 20-somethings who jump on the skincare bandwagon now will be the 50-70 year olds later who can boast a reduced risk of skin cancer, minimal fine lines, limited age spots, and improved collagen compared to the generation before them – and all naturally through prevention.
Two weeks ago, I launched a Mary Kay business, mostly so that I could use MK’s phenomenal skin care line at half price. I figured since I was going to be using their unbelievably fantastic products anyway, I might as well save a bundle of money while I’m at it. Investing in my skin today is probably one of the things I’ll appreciate most when I’m 65…75…85…
What have you done for your skin lately?
